The truth about Cervical Cancer

Where do i even begin with this?

Let me start by saying that i have toyed with the idea of writing a blog for a good while now but i never really had the courage to do so. Don't get me wrong, i am very open about my experiences to people, but this is a new concept for me - I am putting myself honestly and completely out there. I have sat at this desk night after night, for many hours, doing assignments and reports for college, but to actually have to sit here and talk about myself, well, it will take some getting used to.

But there is a reason why i am doing this, what i write here needs to be said. I find myself getting more and more irate as each day passes and it is all around one thing - HPV ( or more specifically, the HPV vaccine ). Everyone has an opinion it would seem and surprise, you're about to get mine!

My opinion is simple - the vaccine is safe and please give it to your children

What i describe next is exactly why you should vaccinate, and it is not easy reading

"Why do i keep bleeding?" i asked my doctor. I was 26 years old and sitting in front of my GP asking this very question. It had started a little over a year before, just on and off at first, but was becoming more frequent as time went on. I had also developed a slight, almost constant, aching in my back and pelvis. He didn't seem to have much of an idea it would seem, with vague references to my birth control and the possibility it may be down to my IBS. I did ask him about a smear test, citing that i had yet to go for my very first one. He brushed me off with a murmuring of "no harm of getting one but you are far too young for cervical cancer". I walked out of there no wiser than when i went in but i knew that i had to be my own advocate so i ignored his advice to book in with the practice nurse and instead called the local women's clinic and booked in for a smear with them instead. At least they would take me more seriously.

And they did. The nurse was absolutely wonderful and completely put me at ease while also answering my million questions (i am one of those people that like to know the ins and outs). She did ask why i was a year late for my smear and i answered honestly - embarrassment. God knows why i was considering i had gone through pregnancy and labour twice but it's funny how the mind works. The test itself was only slightly uncomfortable, absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about and over in about 10 seconds. She informed me i would get my results by post and off i went, out the door and confident that i wouldn't need another one of those for 3 years - oh how wrong i was!

The results came about 4 weeks later and there it was in black and white - abnormal cells detected. After a quick breather, i got my sensible head back on. It will be fine...its common..they will be treated and then i can move on. I had an answer to my problem and the doctor in colposcopy will fix it and i can get on with my life. Of course, i had googled till i was blue in the face so i knew everything inside out, but age was on my side i reasoned and tried to not think about it. Easier said than done. My nerves were shot.

A few weeks later i found myself sitting in Tallaght hospital colposcopy clinic with my sister. I told her i wouldn't be long as i followed the nurse who had just called my name, into a room. The doctor went through everything with me. CIN 3 had been detected and she would need to have a good look. She confirmed that, indeed, CIN 3 was present - quite a lot actually - and asked if she could do a LLETZ. I hadn't anticipated this but she seemed quite insistant that it be done there and then so i consented and off she went. She also did some punch biopsies while she was down there - i had myself dead and buried at this point. I could tell by the atmosphere, the way they turned all the screens away from me, everything - i just knew. I then realised i had been in that room for nearly an hour and a half and i really could not wait to leave. I was given some information on aftercare and told they would be in touch and away i was sent , walking down the corridor like john wayne and this close to losing my shit. "It will be fine" - that's what i kept telling myself and everybody else. I felt a duty to be strong for everyone who was worried, something i still do to this day.

1 week turned into 2 and i heard nothing. That is a good thing i told myself. If it was bad news i would of heard by now and i started to relax a little. That was until July 19th 2012, a Thursday. It had been exactly 2 weeks since the LLETZ and i had just got home from shopping. My phone rang with a number i didn't know but i answered and when the voice on the line said they were calling from the colposcopy clinic, my heart dropped into my stomach. She explained my results had just come in that day and they needed to discuss them with me. Oh crap here we go. After informing family members, i made my way to the hospital.I was taken into a room where the doctor first checked how i was healing after my LLETZ. I had told them on the phone previous that i was still bleeding and in pain and she confirmed that i had a bad infection and proceeded to pack the cervix with gauze to stop the bleeding. I remember the young nurse holding my hand, chatting away to me about mundane things. She knew, she knew why i was there. I could see it in her face and in the way she spoke to me - the sadness. It's a look i would soon get used to.

The doctor then prompted me to sit over with her at her desk and she pulled open my hospital file. I had nobody in the room with me - my mother and sister were outside. I just stared at the desk and she pulled out bits of paper and then delivered the sentence that i will never forget as long as a live..

"I am sorry to have to tell you this Kim but you have cancer"

It's such a surreal moment, almost hard to explain unless you've been on the end of that sentence. The only words i could manage to say were "OK, what's next"...she proceeded to explain that i was being referred to St James who have a Gynecology Oncology service and that i would be booked in for an MRI in the meantime and then my oncologist will order more tests. I just sat there... what do i say? My mind quickly drifted to my children - they were only 4 and 2..fuck...i'm going to leave them. I am going to die. I quickly dismissed these thoughts and accepted the water the young nurse had kindly offered. I then went outside to wait for confirmation on my MRI date, i couldn't leave until they had it sorted. I walked out that door and cried..the poor women in the waiting room, probably there for results themselves, and there's me balling! My mam and sister comforted me, and once we had an MRI date (the next day, they work fast) we then had to go home and tell the family. That was horrific. I was only 26, why is this happening?! I didn't sleep a wink that night..

The next few weeks were a whirlwind of hospital appointments, scans and waiting...oh the waiting for results...nothing tortures you more! I had met my oncologist who, to this day, is my favourite doctor. He copped on quite quickly that i liked to know absolutely everything that was going on, i am a big fan of research, so he kept nothing from me. He knew that a radical hysterectomy was on the cards. I tried not to think about it but when it was confirmed that my stage was 1b1 and that the radical hysterectomy was a must, the sadness came. I knew what this meant, no more children. Everyone would comment with " oh you have 2 already, you're lucky"... yeah i did but my choice for more is being taken away. That sadness has never left me. I've managed to keep it locked away most of the time, but it still comes in waves sometimes.

Surgery day was September 3rd 2012. I had checked in the day before into St James. I had said my goodbyes to the kids, too young to understand what was going on, and tried to be my usual positive self on the ward and chat to the other ladies. The thoughts came at night. Those thoughts you try to keep at bay. This was a huge operation, it carried big risks and my mind was trying to process all these different feelings. I was too young for this... why did this happen to me? What if i die? What if they open me up and the cancer is more advanced? Round and round the thoughts went. It is a horrendous situation to be in.

I was prepped in the morning, various doctors going through details over and over until a porter came to bring me down about 10am. All the women on the ward came over to say goodbye to me. They were all much older and couldn't believe why i was in there..neither could i. The GPs words all those months ago swirled around in my head " you're too young for cancer" ... how fucking wrong were you doc! Away i went down to the theatre, quick pit stop in some sort of waiting room, in my bed, answering yet more questions before i was wheeled into anesthesia. Double doors separate you from the actual operating room but a nurse swung the door and i got a glimpse of theatre and realisation set in. This is it....

I lay there, attached to machines, a nurse setting up various bits of equipment - i particularly remember her sizing up the tubes that would be going down my throat - shudder. My oncologist/surgeon came into me, all scrubbed up, comforted me and talked me through everything. My nerves were gone. I got my canula in and it was time to go to sleep... show time! I took a look at the clock, just before half 10, rested my hands on my tummy and said one final goodbye to my fertility.... and away i went.

"JESUS CHRIST THE PAIN!"

That was my first thought waking up. I didn't know where i was, what time it was or even, who i was...all i knew was this burning pain had engulfed me...and i roared out. A nurse came running and started pumping everything in to me god love her. I sobbed and sobbed. An epidural was needed.... i nearly passed out from the pain of having to sit up to get it...a male nurse clung to me, or more like i clung to him, i was so weak from the pain. It was 7pm...i was in recovery...my memory was coming back. I looked around me and at all the wires coming out of me and i was terrified... but i had made it. I got brought to the ward at 9pm and my family were there to see me. I felt like death

The next few days are hazy as i was under a LOT of drugs. There were also complications and i needed an emergency CT and then blood transfusions. I ended up staying in hospital a lot longer than anticipated and i missed my kids dearly. But i was looked after so well, even if i was in more bits than a box of lego!

Months of recovery followed along with the big all clear on September 24th 2012. And this is where my story should end....ah but it doesn't! You see, nobody really talks about what life is like after a cancer diagnosis, yeah sure you hear about the "new normal" but it is so much more than what you think. Checkup after checkup, the absolute panic each time you go for one thinking the cancer is back. It really fucks with your head and it never, EVER, leaves you. And then, there's the side effects from treatment. Oh how i am still suffering with those! I am a shell of the person i once was. I have bowel issues, fibromyalgia, a damaged bladder, constant pelvic pain , menopause...god i could go on! I have had to have so many more surgeries since, the most recent 2 days ago, it never ends...it really doesn't.

There are some positives to my story. I went back to college and will graduate with my BSc honours next month. That was extremely difficult to do while dealing with surgeries and menopause. Some nights i would be exhausted sitting at the laptop, trying to write code or configure a network but i made it work. I also set up the only support network online for Cervical Cancer in Ireland. My pride and joy. It has helped so many women in the 6 years it has been running and i have big plans for it going forward.

The whole point of this post, apart from raising awareness of how important smears are, is to show that this can be completely avoidable. There is a vaccine to prevent this. A vaccine i was too late to receive. Yet, there are people trying to turn others off this vaccine, using scaremongering and non proven stats and "facts". The vaccine has been proven to be safe, time and time again. And as long as i'm here i will continue to advocate for it. NO WOMAN should go through what i have and continue to go through.

Please, please, vaccinate and attend your smears

Until next time,

x

Update - It is now March 2020 and I thought I would add a little update to this post. Since I have wrote this, life has continued to be difficult and emotionally draining. There has been some not so good health issues arising which has resulted in more tests, more consultants and unfortunately, more procedures. I am due to head into hospital tomorrow for more surgery on my poor bladder. It really hasnt recovered since this all began! The last few months has taken a massive toll on my mental health. Menopause and fibromyalgia have me absolutely exhausted, my brain wants me to hide away and not talk to anyone, my confidence is non-existant. I am working on it though, trying my best to get through each day. Since my last update, I graduated with an honours BSc in Computing, took a year out, then went back to study computer networking and security. I really do love to torture myself lol I am hoping that my health issues start to improve ( Seriously, give me a break please! ), so that I can return to work and feel a little bit normal again.

I continue to use my voice and my experience to raise awareness of smear testing, life after cancer, and more importantly - the HPV vaccine!

I would like to thank each and every one of you who have read this post, sent me messages, shared it on your socials. Your words of encouragement and love honestly brighten up my day and make it all worthwhile.

Thank You ❤️